New Rules, Same Bull

Well its not been quite a year and don't even think of asking my why I came back to this site.....

2006-07-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

So I am bored off my ass. I have read all the "interesting" news articles on my super-duper my.yahoo page. I have watched a couple of videos on YouTube. Then something says to me "Hey, I wonder if that blogger account is still there?" Well apparently it still is here. I read a post from "Dude-sucker" AKA "The Gnats Trumpet" and he says its been six months and I should get off my ass and start writing again. Felt kinda good knowing that someone was reading.

It looks like Birdie is no longer Birdie but is going by her given name. Brave soul that she is.

Death In The Afternoon is still writing strong about law stuff and life in NY City.

And I have done..... ummmmmm....... NOTHING. As if I needed more pressure to get off my ass and do something. Maybe I like being a lazy bastard and trying my best to get to that prozac state of mind that allows me to endure the mundane lifestyle without free thinking. The free thinking makes my head hurt.

Well since it appears that over 4000 people have hit on this page and left about .5 seconds later is semi-impressive.

So I suppose an update is in order. Hummmm the last nine months.

Well to start my marriage is strong. Stronger than its ever been. I see long years ahead of me and the wife doing what we do. The love interest in my past is just that. IN THE PAST. She is a bitch (hummmm that's a bit rough on her) she is more like a stupid little cunt (yeah that's better) that almost ruined my life. Its amazing the perspective one can get after two years of insight. I look upon it all as a vast learning experience that probably saved my marriage. It did inspire to me start this blog some 2'ish years ago. Although I did not actually WRITE for that period of time.

Humm on to other things....

Still trying for a baby only now the idea is on more solid ground than it once was. (I think, well I am pretty sure =) )

I turn 35 tomorrow (starts looking for the cane and walker for the old guy)

Sunday I complete my last two dives to become scuba certified.

I am still working in a high school although I am growing to hate the job where it once held a sense of importance to me.

I might be growing out of playing video games like a fanatic and just jumping on one from time to time. (This one is not for certain but I play far less than I did in the past) Could I possibly be growing up? Naaaaaa!

Still coming to terms with my bouts of depression....Don't know if its even possible to get out of it.

Still smoking....praying that the wife getting pregnant gives me the reason to quit. Currently I just don't see much sense in quitting.

Still a major porn hound. Don't think that's going away anytime soon.

Gaining some weight. Up to 218 now. Yeah I am becoming a porker. Don't have the desire to tackle the added 8 pounds right now.

Still broke all the time although the bills steady getting paid on time.

Still searching for some kind of something that I would like to do when I grow up.

Well there you have it. The last nine months that basically says that I have not advanced my life much but I still keep at it despite my slothfulness.

Maybe I will get back on the writing again. Maybe I wont. I know there is plenty to write about but there is that whole "lazy sack of shit" thing going on. (See previous paragraph).

Catch you all later. If there is any "you all" left out there.

John

Dang, they still have not put the word "blog" in the spell checker. Ironic that that spellcheck for blogger.com does not recognize that "blog" is a word.

So long, fare well, and all that shit....

2005-10-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

Its time for this blog to disapear. I no longer feel the need to write. There is too much shit on the net as it is. No sense in adding my little pile..........

NO I am not one of those tree hugging hippies....

2005-10-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

BUT, I would like to go on the record as saying that "I DO CARE!" about what us people are doing to our world.

It is actually really ironic that I say this because not just two days ago I cut a check for *GULP* 29 thousand dollars for the biggest gas sucker of an SUV for my wife. She wanted it so she got it. So I warn you before hand. I am probably the biggest hypocrite in the world.

I love the ocean. It is the most beautiful place on this planet. Even in our murky seas near where I live the sea life is spectacular. Its not as colorful as the reefs around the world but all the same it is quite wonderful. When I look at the ocean and see a gas slick I really want to do something to get rid of it. It pains me to see refuse floating about in the water.

The area I live in has become quite the hot spot for logging companies. There are acres of land being cleared for the tidy profit from wood prices these days. When I drive by a spot that was once wooded and see the crap that is left behind I wonder what does this mean in the long run for us.

Well I get a little bit of satisfaction in the belief that whenever our mother earth gets tiered of what we are doing to her she just needs to shrug her shoulders some and we will no longer be a problem. We will be gone. However I really don't wish for this to happen. I dream of a future where my offspring live in a fantastic world where nature is plentiful and we still manage to thrive as a species.

No matter what we do to this planet it will go on until the day when our sun runs out of fuel and explodes engulfing her. Even if we turn it into a cess pool there will still be life. Not pretty but there will be life. Look at the most un-hospitable places on our planet. Life abounds even there.

I love snorkeling. Its the one thing that reminds me that there is true beauty left in this world even though the people in it are mostly not. There is a part of me that would die if something happened to those places. Not that it would matter much but all the same I would feel the loss on an epic level.

What does this post mean? Does it have a point? Nah, not really. Just some thoughts I am having right now. Nothing more.

I would love to think that I could do something about it. I mean really impact something but how does one do that? I am sure it falls along the lines of NOT driving an SUV that is totally impractical. But here I am with one.

So much to say and really no way to say it all....

2005-10-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

Recent publicity into the war in Iraq, things like the new show "Over There" and the once flood of articles that have fallen to a trickle that relate just what is really going on over there, have really made me somewhat critical of our government. I am not talking about the bitching about this tax or that tax but a basic blooming of a belief that one day we as a country are going to fall. Most likely not in my life but not soon after that.

There are many reasons I say this. The main reason is that I feel as though the government is no longer by the people nor is it for the people. Those words ring a bell?

I once was a staunch republican. I felt that democrats were the carebear treehugging punks of our nation. The reality of the situation is that neither one of those parties really represents what it is that I believe in. See I still have this delusion of truth and justice. Those words ring a bell?

Based on my meager understanding of the details of our government it really disqualifies me as anyone that could really be all that critical of the system. I know that my job actually makes me part of the system and maybe part of the problem. I know I do my best to perform my duties with a strict sense of right and wrong but is that really enough?

I will say though that I believe with all my heart that somewhere, someplace there is a person that would serve this country with selflessness and vigor. I will also say that this person will NEVER see the oval office because this person will not horse trade for what is right. You know, that whole "hey there pal, I will vote for this bill on "the end of poverty in America" if you vote to make it legal for my lobbyist to dump their toxic waste into my districts rivers". This person will not be a democrat or a republican. This person will be honest and tell people what they NEED to hear and not what they want to hear. If you look into this persons past you will not find any misappropriated funds, settled law suits, no sexual escapades. You will find nothing but a person who has lived their life to better serve others. IF this person ever saw the main political arena the other parties would make him disappear. (Yes I believe they still do that in this country)

I am sick of reading about how Bush is all about the oil. If he was not an oil tycoon in another life then this would be a mute point. I am not here to say one way or the other but it does detract from anyone’s ability to lead when allegations are made. On a side note I would love nothing more than to have the strangle hold the oil companies have on the world taken away. We have the ability to function on exponentially less oil but as long as those people are in power that will never happen. Why is it you ask that gas is over three dollars in some places. Easy! We will pay over three dollars a gallon. End of discussion. I get off the point though. To say that Bush is NOT motivated by oil would be a foolish statement. The real question is "HOW motivated by oil is he?"

I see a problem with looking down the barrel of another Clinton in office. Its not so much that its Hillary. (Which is spooky in it’s own right) Its the fact that memorizing the presidents names just got a hell of a lot easier. There is something wrong with only two families leading our nation for so long. It makes me long for another peanut farmer.

I want Iraq to be free. I want that for the whole world. But at what cost? My house has more than doubled over the last 3 years in value. Its not because I live in some wonderful setting. Its because the materials are so dam expensive you could not afford to do it at the original price. There are many Americans that will never get the self-gratification of owning a new home. They will never get to realize the American dream (if it’s even the same dream that it once was). That may sound trivial to compare human suffering to homes built but there is human suffering everywhere. Where does it end and frankly how did it become our job to fix the world? I would rather see my tax dollars go to housing people HERE first. If you do not take care of yourself then it is impossible to do anything for others. If America is rotting from the inside and we keep looking outside what does that mean for us?

How is it that we get relief to the earthquake people abroad in one day and it takes almost a week to get aid to people in Louisiana?

Ahhh the hurricane. There is tons of quality stuff to talk about there but I might just have to save that for another post.

The main point there is HOW IN THE FUCK DID WE MANAGE TO FUCK OUR OWN PEOPLE? Did any of you pick up on the REAL American spirit when watching that footage? People looting, little girls getting raped in shelters, gangs running amok in city streets unchecked, POLICE OFFICERS caught looting, MY GOD WHERE DOES IT END? I see where the American people are going and its not that fucking good let me tell ya.

You may think I am crazy on this one but the second that FUCKING ASSHOLE got a blow job in the Oval office. The exact same office that Ronald Reagan refused to enter without a tie on. The downtrodden of our nation saw that as a sign that "Hey if he can shit all over our nations honor and principles then so can we."

They call them "Yobs" in England. Here we call them "Thugs". The same thing applies to them both. No respect for anything other than the now and the ability to instantly gratify what ever it is that they desire. They see the old bastards in political office doing it so they figure why cant they in their little universe? Defiance of the law has become the “trend” and its not for such a compelling issue as the civil rights movement or something of that nature. It stems from a break in the chain. I have met many parents that “broke the formula” with their children. The parents are successful, YET they feel that even though they got their asses busted wide open for stealing a pack of gum it would not be a good idea to do the same for little Johnny.

So basically we are screwed in a lot of ways. I get frustrated to no end when I try to think of something that I could do to make it better. Then I think about things that I do. Hey, I love porn. That’s defiantly not moral or acceptable by the old standards. I really just stick my head in the sand in pure frustration. My online gaming helps me to escape the reality. Sure I am a good citizen in the sense that I pay my taxes. I cut my grass. I pay my bills on time and have a killer credit score.

So what does one do other than spend time trying not to think about it and getting headaches when I do spend time thinking about it? Every now and again I see the faint glimmer of hope when I look at very very very few select kids today but then I just end up thinking “How long before the system beats him/her down into submission?”

HEY!

2005-09-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

Well for all that care I am still alive and kicking. I am back in the schools and things are out of hand. I just wanted to stop and take a little time and say hi to you guys and all that.

Things are going pretty good. I have tried to compose some things in the past couple months but I have not been inspired. It seems that my best writing came when I was depressed or in a shit storm in my marriage. Now all I can say is that things are good with the wife (she is still not prego but still trying) and no other problems are about. Yeah I know. BORING!

If I come up with something good and worth writing about I will certainly do it.

Been gone for a while.

2005-08-15T23:42:00.000-07:00

We took a trip to florida. Didnt think to post that. I hope to have the pics from the trip posted soon.

**having problems with digital camera uploading to puter. Working on it. Should not be long.

Its HOT....DAM HOT

2005-07-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ever worked in a polyester uniform with a kevlar vest on when its 100 degrees outside? I have and it SUCKS ASS. Heat index of 119 the other day. This is out of hand. I love the summer but this is beyond summer.

She got her period....

2005-07-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

The title says it all..... nuthin this month. Back to the sack. Dang! Well not the back to the sack part =).

The counting begins...

2005-07-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

2 days late............................ *crosses fingers*

I see a dark cloud coming....

2005-07-18T16:38:00.000-07:00

Part of my counseling was to learn to recognize when any form of depression coming. It's all I can do to sit at my computer for five minutes. I just ate all but one piece of an entire pizza. I feel like shit. I thought maybe if I wrote something I would feel better but I can't even bring myself to do that. Bleh. Maybe later.

Rodney Dangerfield and I, we don’t get no respect at all…..

2005-07-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Frankly I am getting sick and tiered of being treated as a second class law enforcement officer. It happens everywhere. At the school I work at, at the office with my peers, and yes it has even happened before in my own home.

Today I spoke with a supervisor and his response to my every query into why I did not deserve a new piece of equipment was “Look, you are getting no sympathy from me. So quit asking.” What the fuck?

It’s like this. I am considered a second class cop EXCEPT when it comes to me doing a job or assignment no one else wants to do. Most all the time I take these tasks and happily do them. These tasks require a certified law enforcement officer to do. I am certified so of course I do them. However it seems that when I want a “perk” from this the whole “Yeah John you are good to go for this job”, status is quickly revoked and I am once again pushed back down into the second class law enforcement officer position again.

I don’t get paid what a standard deputy gets paid. The county supplement is not for us second class officers. I am restricted in certain things I can and cannot do (until it seems that the office would suffer a black eye from my inaction). I take constant ribbing from my fellow law enforcement even in surrounding departments. Most are just poking fun but some truly believe it.

I put on the kevlar vest. I am required to wear the gun. I have the car. So you tell me, if Mr. Bad Guy sees me on the street is he going to consider the fact that I am assigned a high school during the school year?

I think many feel that since during the school year I have good hours. 8-4 everyday and most all holidays off. Yeah that is SWEET. Should I be punished for this? I took a job none of them would take in a million years. Its boring and when things are happening it deals with juveniles and that my friends is a considerable pain in the ass. I have dealt with crimes dealing from petty theft, disorderly conduct, assault and battery, sexual assault, rape, drug offenses and all kinds of traffic related things. So, does this sound like I do nothing? I was told that I got more drugs brought in this year than any other officer at the department did. Last summer I was the first deputy to do an actual DUI in years.

Yet still I am nothing more than a second class officer.

It pisses me off. I just want to do my job and go home like every other fucking person in the world. Getting treated like a shit stain really makes things difficult. Even if they do it with a smile on their face.

Ok, seriously.....

2005-07-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

I need to get off my ass. I have put on about 6 pounds in the last ten days or so. I have done nothing but sit on my ass and listen to myself get fatter. I really need to do something here.

What is the "baby dance"?

2005-07-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

Not a lot to post about but I figured I should do SOMETHING since posting has been sparse.

Well as you all know the wife and me are actively trying to get pregnant. It turns out that the “window” of opportunity is rather small in all actuality. The eggs you ladies have are only good for 12-24 hours. So in order to make a strong go at it you have to get your “ovulation” schedule in order. Then you have to target your prime time for ovulation. There are even ladies that take their temperature every morning to see if their body temp has risen one degree (the tell tale that they have ovulated). What this mean for me is that I have to “save up” and get at it once every other day. You see sperm is good for 48-72 hours and can last even longer if it gets past the cervix. Just so you know I really didn’t even understand what the hell the cervix was until I started reading all this stuff. Hell all I knew was that it was in there somewhere. Seems there are “chambers” in that thing. Kind of like a small apartment. So it seems my role in all this is to keep plenty of my “troops” deployed in the war zone with strict orders to attack and seize the elusive female egg. So I suppose all I can say is “Aye aye, SIR!”

So after all this reading I have learned that me and the wife are going to have to “get it on” and “get it on” a WHOLE LOT. Every other day other than when she is on her period. Last night the wife put two and two together and figured out the sheer number of times we will be having sex and all she could say was “We sure are going to have to do this a lot. Don’t you think it will get boring after a while?” All I could say was “Ummmmm yeah that is possible.” I have dubbed this action as the “baby dance”. I didn’t come up with it. Someone called it that on Web MD. I just adopted it as my new definition of the sex-o-thon we will have to do.

All things considered I am still very excited. I have all the worries that anyone would have I suppose. I am worried that I may be sterile or my boys are not up to the task. I worry about having a healthy child. You know, shit like that.

Well at least for a while, non-stop sex is right up my alley. So let’s all hope for the best and I hope to keep you all posted.

Remember this and the day might be a little better...

2005-07-12T18:56:00.000-07:00

Its surreal.....

2005-07-12T18:12:00.000-07:00

Last night we actually were talking about OVULATION SCHEDULES. Having sex every other day for weeks at a time. Concerns about our lifestyles and the ability to conceive. This is uncharted territory for this fella but its looking to be a pretty fucking cool journey.

My wife has come full circle. I see things in her that I never thought possible even 6 months ago. I see a future that does not seem all that dismal. Well a future of uncertainties for sure.

Mark this as the beginning. Lets see how long it takes for me and my wife to make a miracle.

Hope you all had as good a July 4th as I did.

2005-07-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

Worked the local carnival tonight and it was great. No fights, no drama, no bitching. Just people out to see some fireworks and have a good time. It was a good 4th of July. I hope everyone else had as pleasant a holiday as I did.

This is pretty dam weird.....

2005-07-04T02:45:00.000-07:00

Well its 5 am and I cannot sleep now. I had a terrible nightmare and I just cannot go back to bed. After I woke up for about 10 minutes I was even scared of being in my own home. This is pretty fucked up. I am still a little amazed that I am even writing right now. I had yet another great night with the wife and now this. I am pretty freaked out. I am hoping that I will wake up fully in a little bit and be ok to go back to bed.

The dream: the simple version (I am over half asleep even now as I type)
It was about this student I know. Normally she is very sweet and nice but in this dream she was everything but that. I was about to end my shift and I stopped into this house and she was there. It was obvious she was very fucked up on something. I thought it to be just a simple case of her being drunk. I arrest her and put her in restraints. I then take her to my car and begin my trip to the sheriff’s office. I should have known this was a dream because all of the landmarks and roads were all fucked up and none of them made sense. Well this girl kept getting out of her restraints. Somehow my patrol car became this convertible and she kept getting away from me. I had to handle this girl really rough because she would not comply with anything I told her to do. She was getting worse. What ever she had taken was going into effect.

Somehow I ended up taking this guy into custody but the girl was being so bad that I spent all my time trying to get her back into my car. I could not get her to comply and she kept getting out of her handcuffs and shackles. The guy ended up escaping. When my buddies from the sheriff’s office showed up to help they did not help. In fact they acted like this was a bad arrest and wanted nothing to do with the thing. So I was on my own the whole time. Shortly after my buddies left me the girls parents showed up and all they would do was yell at me. Bitching the whole time that I was being to rough on their daughter. I can remember actually sitting on top of her and she was lifting me off the ground trying to get away. I kept saying to them “You think this is normal? Something is wrong with her!” They would not believe me and kept on giving me shit. I tried and tried to find the sheriff’s office but I could not. I ended up in these places I never saw before. My dispatcher was telling me over the radio that she would not help me either. The girl had gone through several pairs of handcuffs and was wearing my last set. She broke those too so I was forced to use wire ties to hold them together.

By now she had kicked me, punched me, done just about everything to me that you could think of in the lines of physical resistance. Still the parents were bitching non-stop. I was becoming very frustrated because I could do nothing right. The parents were even starting to tell me that they were going to sue me for everything I owned. I believed not only that they were going to do it but that they were going to win. This was, after all, the most unorganized and fucked up arrest even I had ever seen.

Finally I was, where I thought to be, very close to the sheriff’s office. Well again I was off and was in a place I did not know. I did manage to run into an officer that I knew and he reluctantly showed me the way. The whole time he was bitching that I should know the way and kept saying things like “Jesus John, how fucking long have you been a deputy now? You should know this shit already.” I picked up the girl and decided to throw her over my shoulder and just carry her to the sheriff’s office. I had to walk through this alley with, what looked to be, mufflers from cars hanging off the ceiling. By this time I was thinking this girl was on PCP.

I finally get to the so called “sheriff’s” office and notice that I did not recognize this place either. I did not know the people in it or anything. Well everyone there seemed to know me and kept telling me that it was the sheriff’s office. So I just took them at their word. Still the thought that this was a dream never entered my head. There was this guy processing the arrest (in a manner that we don’t use when we arrest someone) and told me that he needed to enter information into his computer for the arrest. So as I sit there telling him all of the charges this girl had amassed during this little adventure, the girl breaks free from her wire tied handcuffs again.

So, I am literally wrestling this girl on the ground and this fucker is asking me what the code of violation I am talking about and not helping at all. Out of no where this girl ends up with a pencil in her hand and quite efficiently ends up stabbing me in the eye with it. The last part I remember is seeing the pencil lead a millimeter from my eye.

Dream ends on that note. I wake up FREAKED THE FUCK OUT!!! I walk around the house scared out of my mind for at least five minutes. I then decide to come in here and write this all down. I am starting to wake up now. I realize this is pretty stupid but I am still semi-freaked out.

Maybe the message is that I am afraid of losing control? I don’t know. I am still entirely too tiered to even think on that level right now. I will have to look this over better when I am more lucid.

So ummmm I suppose that you guys now know what scares me. Errrr maybe.

Its sat night so I thought a post would be in order......besides I am not ready for bed yet

2005-07-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

Ahhh yet another night of mind blowing sex. Right now life is not too shabby. The wife has learned that I am not too unlike our dog. You scratch me in the right place and I will follow you around forever. She is still a bit touchy on the tattoo subject but nothing she can do about that now. I am sleeping TONS. I love it. I feel so rested it’s a sin. Sleep till ten am and still take a nap for a hour or two before work. SWEET!

Not a whole lot else going on. Just being very lazy and relaxed and going to work. Right now I am providing security at our local carnivals hosted by the fire departments in various towns. I get to work in the north part of the county tomorrow in a very good area. So essentially I will be getting paid to eat free food and watch the fire works. Then on Monday I work the larger carnival but if things go bad, which they tend to do there, I might not get to sit back and enjoy the fireworks show.

Dream girl is hardly a passing thought now. It seems that when I don’t see her, the thoughts of her dwindle away into obscurity. It gives me a chance to realize that she is defiantly not what I need in my life. Based on our latest conversations before school let out and comparing notes on the past with her I have come to realize that even if she wanted me she cannot provide the kind of support I would require to engage in a relationship with her. Don’t get me wrong. I would still love to have a special night with her *wink wink* but beyond that I see nothing in the lines of a meaningful relationship with her. She really has pissed me off for the last time. If she was the friend that she talks so grandly about, then she would call or something. Besides my wife is being SUPER now. I don’t know how long this wave of bliss will last but I am going to enjoy every moment of it.

My tattoo itches bad now. It’s all peeling and nasty looking now but I know that is temporary. I just put on the lotion and hope for the best. I love my new tattoo. I get so excited when I look at it. I hope to get a decent pic of it for you all so you can see it here soon but the peeling needs to stop first.

Well that’s all I have to say soooooooo

LATER BITCHES

OK! It is official. I AM A BAD ASS! No autographs please.

2005-06-28T14:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went through the most painful experience in my ENTIRE LIFE. I got the tattoo done. Its fucking BIG and its fucking BAD ASS. It covers my entire right shoulder.

OH THE PAIN! I have never felt the kind of pain I felt when my tattoo guy Wes was grinding those nine (yes you read right NINE) needles into my back while filling in the outline. When it was all said and done I was beat. I was so tired that I was thinking it a bad idea to drive the hour and a half back home. I felt like roughly 100 dudes beat the shit out of my shoulder.

I also felt AMAZING! I FUCKING DID IT. Sure I thought death would be better than the pain. I cannot emphasize enough how bad that fucker hurt when he did the parts on my back.

Anyways, the pain is a faint memory (its enough to remind me NEVER to do that shit again). I now have this amazing art that is part of me. My wife hates it. I don't even care about that. Its MINE and no one else can have it.

So, ummm when is it that I am supposed to grow up?

2005-06-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

Ok tell me if I am as juvenile as I think I am. Once again I have worked my way back to Slipknot- Duality. If my wife were not home I would have this shit on the home stereo turned up to eleven (for you Spinal Tap Fans). I would be moshing all over the fucking house. I would be giving myself a terrible case of whiplash. I would be screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs. I WOULD BE FUCKING JAMMING MY ASS OFF!!!! Ummmm guys I am 33 soon to be 34. Shouldn’t I have grown out of this shit by now?

On the flip side. Shouldn’t I be doing it regardless of if she is home or not? Shouldn’t she be right there with me? In a dream world…… hummm dream…….. NOPE I AM NOT GOING THERE!!!

Memories, strange to remember this I think.....

2005-06-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

Just to prove that I can actually post about something other than the girl of my dreams, here we go. (Yes I do realize that by putting this sentence in here I negate the very point I was trying to prove.)

(Turns on Media Player……. Marliyn Manson Greatest Hits CD up and running. Personal Jesus playing)

Today some very strange memories monopolized my thoughts. There is not any real reason why these memories would pop up now but they did.

When I was very young, I want to say maybe 8’ish, there was this black kid that I ended up hanging out with for the day. I didn’t like the boy for some reason but I have to face it. Up until about maybe my late 20’s I was a lemming. I will call the boy Willis because he looks like Willis from Different Stokes, you know, “What choo talking about Willis.” Well Willis had taken us out to go catch snakes. There was an outcropping of limestone rocks all over the place down by the creek bed and there were always garter snakes lurking in the shadows of the cooled rocks in the summer. Now Willis was a few years older than the other kids and me. There were maybe 3 others but I cannot recall who they are. So we manage to catch quite a mess of these garter snakes. I thought they were cute. They were not very big and frankly they never bothered a soul. They in all actuality were doing a service to us by eating rodents and bugs. They were all kept in a five-gallon bucket. We took the bucket to where Willis lived. At that point we would get one out and play with it. We would let it run around a bit and then grab em up and get out another one. I suppose Willis did not like the game we were playing so he goes out to his back yard and gets an aluminum baseball bat. He was bouncing the bat off the ground by dropping it on its end and it would sort of spring back up into his hands. We had out a snake and were playing with it when Willis comes over to us on the driveway and drops the bat like he did before. The only difference this time was that the end of the bat landed squarely on the head of the snake. The expected result was exactly what happened. I sat and watched as the snake’s head was squashed into meaty pieces. We stated our disappointment to Willis. He merely laughed and began removing snake after snake and smashing their heads with the bat.

Now remember that I was only maybe eight years old here and Willis was a few years older. We just sat there and watched Willis kill each and every snake that we had every intention of putting right back where we found em after playing with them. I really hated Willis at this point. I was powerless to do anything. Even at the age of eight I had a million times the respect for life that this other kid did. I felt then that it was my fault that the snakes died. I helped catch them. I helped bring them to where Willis lived. I stood right by while Willis killed them all. If I believed in heaven or hell I believe this moment would have warranted a fast track, no due process, no trial by a jury of my peers, straight shot into the deepest hole in hell there was.

Of course now I know it was not my fault but it may explain why I carry bugs outside instead of squishing them. Why I dam near crash my car to avoid critters in the road. Why one time I spent 3 hours looking for a cat I had hit (I never did BTW). Now that may sound all cute and sweet but don’t fall for that. I will dam sure eat a cheeseburger faster than you can blink an eye. I have killed fish that I planned to eat before. So I am not totally against death of animals. But I do believe that to kill another life just for the sake of killing it is so very wrong. I do believe in that whole circle of life thing. We are carnivores. Meat IS WHATS FOR DINNER! I suppose that makes me a hypocrite but I think I am defiantly a lesser hypocrite for this. Believe me, there are plenty of other things I am hypocritical of that bear more weight than this.

I do wish I could go back in time ala “Butterfly Effect” and beat the ever-loving shit out of Willis, but we all know that will not happen. I take comfort in the fact that I now know what happens to little kids like Willis in the long run. He is most likely in prison or some mental facility or some drug addicted piece of shit. I hope karma got the best of him on this one.

Don’t ask me how this memory came up. I have no idea. I am not proud of this little chapter in my life. Even though I was eight I feel like I should have done something. I knew it was wrong, not just wrong in the basic sense of the word. It was wrong in ever fiber of what I believed to be right in the world.

In cases like this I wish there were a God. Forgiveness would be so very nice right about now. But that is not what I believe so there is no point in even asking. If I was capable of crying I think this would defiantly be worth shedding a tear for. Melodramatic- maybe but I feel like such a shit when I look back. Sure they were just snakes but, bleh.... if you dont get it then I cannot explain it.

New Blog on the Links

2005-06-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

Pandora graced my blog with a comment. I go to look at her blog and well..... All i can say is that I dam near fell out of my chair when I saw her profile pic. WOW! WOW! WOW!

BUT, this in itself does not get the link status. After getting away from the profile pic, which took considerable effort to do I must say, I started to read her Blog. This lovely lady is real, she writes about real things and life "stuff". This is my kind of blog. So I strongly encourage you all to go check out

Pandora

I KNOW you will not be disapointed. She seems quite nice even though she hinted that I might just be a stalker =).

Ok now I am worried....

2005-06-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

No comments on the pic. I know I am one ugly bastard but you all could at least LIE TO ME and say something like "Oh you have character." or "Well you defiantly look better than lot of the alternatives" like a victem of the ebola virus or something to that effect.

Maybe offer some encouragement like "Hey at least you have all your limbs" or "You know, I knew this guy that once had his skull bashed in with a ball peen hammer and you look much better than he did."

See?

Two things

2005-06-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

First thing, COMMENT PEOPLE. MAN I NEED ADVICE! *ahem*

Second thing,
I happened across the dream girls residence today. Was in the neighborhood and saw her car. I left a note. The penmanship was terrible. My hand kept shaking. Guys I am some kinda fucked up here. The note was stupid. Just said that happened upon her place and that its a nice area. It is a nice area by the way. She was home too. I think I managed to get the note on her car before she came outside or saw me. I really did not want her to feel awkward. BLEH! I think I am in need of electro-shock therapy. Oh well that's all.

More Bull????

2005-06-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

This is something that I wanted to post , but frankly I just plain forgot about it until I remembered due to a post from another blogger. I wanted to share it with you all. I think it speaks a great truth that you may have never considered. Its from Psychology Today (Feb 2005 PG.95, last sentence)

__________________________________________________
If its simply our nature to root for a cursed team* or to chase a dream that, when realized, will never be as sweet as it is in our mind’s eye, then we can try to appreciate the joy that comes in the striving.

*Cursed team (this would make little sense unless your read the entire article. It refers to a guy that spent his whole life waiting for the Red Sox’s to win the world championship and then finally realizing that he was really no happier after that happened than before.)
__________________________________________________

This has helped a lot when it comes to the girl of my dreams, in that no matter what I will still love her. I will always love her. Even if I never get to feel the euphoria of knowing what it might be like to receive back that love, I will know what it was like to know love like this. That make sense?

Even though we travel far in our journeys of life, sometimes when we get there we find out that it’s just not quite what we thought it would be. BUT, that still does not mean that the trip there was not one of the most amazing journeys we ever had. I may find out someday that the girl of my dreams never cared. That will not take away from the fact that I still got to feel this kind of excitement and wonder. I have gotten to know what it might just feel like to have a true soul mate. So ultimately no matter what the outcome may be, I got to know how that felt. The journey is where the story is. Not the destination.

Lets pretend that one-day I do realize a life with this woman I care so deeply about. That does not take away from the journey to get to that point. It is simply the beginning of a NEW journey. If you think about it, many things in our lives can be considered a journey.

Maybe that is what I am longing for in my life (or I am talking out of my ass here). Maybe I am simply sitting around too much and not taking new journeys to somewhere, anywhere. I cannot help it if I find that women make for the best dam journeys out there. You have to love them.

Maybe I have known this all along. I can always remember doing something and feeling a kind of sadness when it was over. A trip somewhere, a great night of talking with friends, meeting that girl at the bar and just not knowing where the night will go (pre-marriage of course *wink wink*). It even has gotten to the point where sometimes I don’t even want to do something because I know that I will be sad when its over. I probably need to rethink that logic. What is the fucking point if you chose not to experience something for fear of missing it? When I look at it like this it makes me a tad ashamed to even admit it.

It was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? *scratches head* I don’t know. Losing SUCKS ASS. Well its something to think about at least.

The male population in Little Rock MUST have a bad case of the "DIPSHITS"

2005-06-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

I have decided to break from the recent norm to talk about how many fucktards there must be in Little Rock. Several months ago I stumbled on a blog that caught my eye immediately. The title was kind of cute as was the name of the author. Birdie, yeah that’s cute as hell ain’t it? Anyway, I started to read this blog and not only was it fun to read but the author has such a great way of stating things. She is funny, very attractive (based on her pic), and so dam witty I cant stand it. Which brings me back to the original question.

HOW CAN IT BE THAT THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKING RETARDED GUYS IN LITTLE ROCK? She writes of not dating, being alone. How is this possible? I cannot be the only person that has thought, MAN if only Little Rock was not so dam far off. One could only be so luck as to be called a friend by this lovely gal. I just don’t get it. I DON’T FUCKING GET IT.

This makes me wonder how it is that there are lots of truly great women out there that don’t have relationships. It has been my experience as of late that maybe I am not the norm. The norm these days seems full of young guys that are…. ummmm how do we say…… DICKS! Although, in their defense I did some really bad things to some girls at that age that there is no way to just say “I am sorry” for. Humm there is a thought.

“Wendy, (ahem) I am really sorry for getting a blow job by that skank gal durring my b-day party when I turned 18. I am even more sorry, profoundly sorry for thinking it was funny.”

“Angie, although I didn’t say it. I really did love you and I am sorry I never told you that. You were better to me than any woman has been to me yet, and that includes my wife.”

“Chery, I am sorry I …… OH WAIT A MINUTE! Fuck that. I am not sorry I went looking for you that night because I just wanted to see if you wanted to go see the private screening of Batman with me and my friend since we had his dads Cadillac. You bitch!”

Whew that felt better. Too bad they don’t read this blog huh?

OK! OK! I got off the point. I am really just flummoxed that Birdie does not have multiple guys beating down her door. This society is some kind of fucked up. Dating is a farce. We all lie during the “dating” phase. Why is that? As Chris Rock said: “We are not dating that person, but that persons representative.” No the real person is hiding. Just waiting to spring once the talons are in. The “talons being in” defiantly equates to putting that damned ring on the finger. This is defiantly why I don’t lie to the girl of my dreams. I tell her all and hold nothing back. But, when it comes to my dream girl, she is smart enough to take it all in and not go ape shit when I tell her that I love her and be able to accept it for what it is. That is kind of rare I know.

A few people have told me that there is little I do not appreciate. To a great degree I think they are right. Sure there are many things I take for granted but if you hang with me long enough to get past the point where I know I can be me around you. Well, you would get to see just how much I appreciate things.

One thing is for sure. I dam sure appreciate Birdie. Even if those fucktards in Little Rock don’t. Birdie, no matter what anyone tells you. You are some kind of fucking awesome. I am sorry that those idiots there don’t take the time to find this out for themselves. It’s a shame. You deserve better.

I know I only know you from your blog but I know people, hehe trust me on that one. You are good people. One tip. Don’t do what I did and marry for fear that no one else will come. In the long run you will just end up where I am. Finding your soul mate and not being able to run off with them and live happily ever after.

Getting my tat...... I finally figured out what I want.

2005-06-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

Well today I went to the tat shop an hour and a half away to drop off my concept art for the artist. Its going to be great. I am very excited about getting it. Its going to be an Oroborus (look it up, it has a good meaning) with an yin and yang do-hicky in the middle with tribal’esq streamers coming from all around it. The streamers will go onto my chest and my back a good ways. Its gonna be SWEET I tell ya.

Ok, here is me.

2005-06-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

After thinking about it I have decided that you guys deserve to see the REAL me. Forgive the tight shirt thingy. I was about to go boogey boarding when this was taken. Its fairly recent though. Please don't all of you guys run away all at once.

**note** If you want to feel something amazing against your skin, you have to try out one of these shirts. They are actually made to avoid "surfers rash" but that is just a nice way of saying that it keeps you from rubbing your nipples raw on your board. This thing feels so good when i wear it. I suggest that you try one and see for yourself. They are only about 20 bucks on the boardwalk at your local surf shop. If you cannot get one email me and if I like you enough I will see if I can get you one. Oh and "like you enough" really only aplies to the persons on the "links" list. If they asked I would get them one.

6-19-05 Hummm no coments. Must be worse than I thought. I didn't think it was that bad a pic.

Will the dreams ever stop?

2005-06-17T17:27:00.000-07:00

I dream incessantly about this girl. Despite being told that she wants another my heart will not allow me the luxury of forgetting. I dream of things I want to do with her. These are not XXX kind of dreams I am talking about here. These dreams consist of going to exotic places and simply being with her. Sharing the experience with someone that I care so much about my heart cannot hold the emotions. When I think about these dreams I know that to do these things with anyone else would be hollow and pointless.

The most recent one was set in that place that Matt Damen’s character in the Borne Identity was hiding out in. I forget where it was exactly but it looks like such a wonderful place to be. It’s the place where he went to at the end of the first movie and where the second movie started. There were stone walls along the ocean and the water is a wonderful turquoise blue. In my dream we are there. She smiles a lot and is happy. That alone makes me feel happy. Well, in my dream at least.

I often dream of dancing with her. Phht! I cannot dance for shit but I still dream that I get the privilege of dancing with her. In these dreams I can touch her. While we were both still married I was horrified to touch her. To touch her scared me so much. To touch something so wonderful. It was like I was scared that my angel would vanish if I tried to touch her and make her real.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I am well aware that I seem quite the stalker or something by being so obsessed with this woman. I have heard many women say that when a man is like this with them they get creeped out. I hope that you all realize that I really cannot help myself on this one.

I woke up this morning and just knew that I was no longer my wife’s. My heart, well most all of it, belongs to her now. I am hers. I belong to a woman that does not want me. PATHETIC! You don’t have to tell me that, I am very aware of how foolish this all is. Logic and feelings in this case do not cooperate well with each other I am afraid. This is coming from one of the most logical people I know, ME. Just look at the posts people. I AM FUCKING WRITING POETRY FOR CHRISTS SAKE!

I am listening to “Duality” from Slipknot now in case you all wanted to know. Great song.

How much longer????? I just do not know how to make it stop. You cannot control your dreams, not that I know of anyway.

Futility. What is the point of it all?

I DARE

2005-06-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

I look upon
Your golden hair
Your breathtaking smile
Your eyes, I do not dare

Your eyes
Portals into your soul
Spheres of absoluteness
To look, I do not dare

I talk to you of matters
Of little care
Your eyes they call
To look, I do not dare

Fear of captivation
Fear of losing control
To delve into those eyes
And look, I do not dare

Imagine a ship
Lost in a great sea
That sea is yours eyes
To look, I do not dare

That ship is my soul
Which I would certainly lose
In the depths of those eyes
To look, I do not dare

I dare not to look
For I would simply just say
"I will give you my everything
Just to get lost there and stay"

This is very real to me. I could not speak to this person about my feelings and look into her eyes. They were like liquid serenity. So full of life and wonder. I sometimes wonder if she ever knew why i could not look her in the eyes when I spoke of important matters. Not that it matters now. I still have these feelings that resonate in my core. I am not one for poetry but I know that a poem is really the only way to convey how I feel. It may suck but it truly is how I feel. I hope you guys are not wretching.

**added note** Death read this and thought this was writen by someone else. Ummmm nope. I wrote it. *ducks under the table from the flying tomatoes* Don't be to hard on me. I am not a poet by any means.

Yeah! I am a little whining BITCH!

2005-06-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

So its been a few days since I was told by my lady friend that she was not interested in pursuing something with me. I suppose in some ways I could not have expected anything other than that. After all I am a married man. I don’t know. I kind of wanted to give it a go. Just to see if in fact she was all that I hoped she was.

I cannot help but wonder why it seems that no matter what something always roadblocks my path to the place I want to go. I am very tired now. A very mild exhaustion from all this. Defeat is once again mine. They always said that 10% of fisherman catch 90% of all the fish (an old fisherman saying). I had no idea that this applied to everything thing else in the world.

I have spent lots of time wondering why I am so eat up with this gal. I should be content with my life and my wife. This just once again makes hope a pointless, fruitless endeavor. I have very little in the way of dreams left in my life. She was one of them. Flying and living in a warm place are the biggest ones left. Everything else that, when I was young, I thought I wanted to make me happy I have now. House, wife, decent job. All those things were what I dreamed of as a child and young adult. For some reason I don’t feel happy. There are spurts of happiness but they are few and far between.

What now? This gal that walked into my life like a hurricane is no longer a viable pursuit. Sure I still dream of her. I liken that dream to winning the lottery now. What once looked like a possible new adventure in my life is not anymore.

I am growing to despise my dreams. To hate them for being in my head. I am learning that there is no sense in aspiring for better. BLEH! I hate that feeling, it’s corrupting my life. My sunshine has been blocked off by a storm cloud and I look to the horizon and see nothing but a gray dismal nothing.

I worry that I am falling out of love with my wife. I mean I will always love her but that whole “in love” thing is slowly eroding away. That is not fair. She deserves all of my love. She deserves better than what I am becoming. I am hoping that this is just a funk and it will soon enough lift and things will go back to the way they were. I cannot stand that idea of being alone. I sometimes wish that the decision would be made for me. That she would meet someone that treats her like the wonderful person she is and she would see me for the shit head I am and drop me like a bad habit.

I am not a good-looking man. I worry that if I did go away then there would never be anyone else to love me. I feel like if that did happen I would get what I deserve for being like I am now.

I keep listening to a song that makes me think of her. Giving In by Adema. I think its actually about drug abuse but I use a little creativity with it. That’s kind of a teenager kind of thing to do but it really makes me think of her.

I wanted to surrender my soul to this woman. Complete faith in her makes me wish to do this. I have never ever wanted to do this with a person. That HAS to mean something. RIGHT? What, I have no fucking idea. My all was there for the taking. To be that vulnerable to someone is not in my make-up. Faith in ANYTHING is not in my make-up. To stand on the precipice and stare down into the foggy nothing and still be willing to fall….. how much more can one give? To offer that openly and still not get the girl….. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I suppose it could have been worse. I could have opened up my heart and had it stabbed, mutilated, and ripped out and then stomped on. I know this has happened to people before. I guess that in this regard I am lucky.

For some reason though, I don’t feel lucky.

I was right.

2005-06-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

My gut instinct on this one was dead on. Maybe is a definate NOBE. More on this later. I am very bummed.

today thus far. (its about 1145 am)

2005-06-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

Well I had to go to the school today to do a follow-up on a petty larceny case I have open involving a student stealing some money from the middleschool. So I get a chance to see her again. She will only be working today and tomorrow and then its summer break for her which means meeting will be, in all probability, scarce if existent at all.

She was working on packing up her things. She is finally getting her own classroom and no longer has to "float" as they say in teacher jargon. She seemed somewhat glad to see me. I think my job has turned me into this super observant thing. I notice everything when the feelers are out. Inflections in speech, they way someone looks at you, any kind of non-verbal communication that a person would send out. These are my tools and for better or worse they are what I rely on everyday in my job. This time they just get used in a different capacity.

unfortunately there was little in the way of "good" indicators there. I don't know if its the environment (she does seem far more receptive in private) or what. I just don't know what these signals mean. I am very good at masking what I am feeling, well except around her. So mayhaps that is the case here. More likely I am interpreting things properly. Maybe its just not there. Maybe I am just living in a dream and reality has not dawned on me yet. If what I am feeling while talking to her today is the real indicator then I really just need to let this dog lie and get on with getting on. Simply concede to defeat again and tuck my tail between my legs.

My whole life things I have truly desired have always been just beyond arms length. This is looking to be yet another example of that. Hope is a terrible terrible thing. I should have learned this by now. I know what I would like to happen but when does that ever happen in life? There are those that make things happen and I suppose that I am not one of those people.

Chances are real good that I am doing this to myself. She never came to me. I, again, went to her. What am I in this? The love struck puppy that follows her around praying for a pat on the head. Craving the attention so bad that I have compromised any form of dignity that I might have?

In my dreams things are good. I guess that's why they are dreams. I hope when we die we still dream. That would be more that I could ever hope for. In my dreams someone loves me the way I want to be loved. Things are beautiful and I live by the sea where the water is so clear and blue it makes you want to cry just to look at it.

I am a super hero in my dreams too by the way. Nothing wrong with wanting to be a super hero. Sort of spiderman'ish. Hey! Its my dreams, I can be spiderman'ish.

more bull, all over the place and piled high and deep

2005-06-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

At this particular moment I am a torrent of emotions. I am listening to music that will stop when my wife arrives. It’s a part of me that I cannot share with her. I know I seem to be bitching about her an awful lot but these are things that have just been this way for so long I have chosen to put them into some obscure place in the back of my head.

I remember a time when I would go to a club and get lost in the mind numbing bass and sounds of loud music. I would dance with someone and simply get lost in the moment. I am sure others have been to this place. I would never stop if I could keep up the pace. I dream of visiting this place and state again someday. It will never happen under current situations.

Sharing movement in a sea of bodies
Feeling the pounding in your soul
Closing my eyes and getting lost
Time and space cease to exist
There is only the now
Dizzy from too many beers
Sweat permeates the body
Eyes looking back
Knowing that they are in the same place as you
Sharing in the moment
Stirring so much memory
I shake as I write this

What makes this shit go on in me? Emotions that lay dormant for so long that I forget they exist. A fucking tsunami of SHIT. What the fuck do I do? How long before I come to my senses and realize that these things are most likely not meant for me anymore? How long can I simply dream of the true desires in my life? When will reality once again put my blinders back on and let me get back into the mundane ritual that is my life? I want to feel but am terrified of the costs. I fear to be alone. I fear to stay. What happens when I have no other choice and my feelings consume me?

Where is my oracle or fairy godmother or some fucking THING to come and advise me? Something with the answers. Something to tell me what I need to hear. Something to quench my thirst for that which I do not have now. Where is my FUCKING SIGN? Where is my mentor?

I am 33 years old. Where to go from here? More of the same? Drop it all and just go? That does not sound right. There has to be something. Some answer. Some compromise. Some FUCKING HINT as to what I need to do.

I need not go into meltdown here. That does not solve anything. Am I different for being like this? Am I pathetic? Am I weak? Do I lack the fortitude to make things right for me?

I know there is so much more to me that what I have become. There is so much untapped stuff in there just wanting to get out.

I remember when I was young and standing on a beach with someone. A girl I hardly knew that I met in the club earlier. We were covered in a blanket and just looking out to the sea. He body against mine as we both faced the crashing waves. I cannot put into words the greatness of that moment. Just being. Nothing more nothing less. Defiantly one of those nights to remember. I want MORE of those before I depart this place we all live in and share with each other.

How much of this is just flat out feeling sorry for myself? Some would say quit your whining and do what you have to do. I say to them this.

You get a mortgage, you get almost 10 years in a job that has retirement at a somewhat reasonable time in my life. You look down the barrel of destroying a life built for what you thought the future was going to be. You put on these boots and then tell me how fucking easy it is. You deal with realizing that if you make this change you will literally lose about fifty thousand dollars in net worth if you leave. You tell me how easy it is leaving everything you have grown to know over the last twelve years. You tell me how easy it will be looking in the mirror and know that you have managed to hurt the ones that took you in and loved you no matter what. People that helped make me the person I am today as far as becoming a responsible adult. Yeah tell me how easy all that is then I can tell you to suck my nut sack.

I am utterly amazed at all this. How do I go from being complacent to this all over again. Based on a simple conversation with another. Having at least the illusion of having a chance to make a change. A faint opportunity at something that can only be a dream because it IS entirely too good to be true.

I am scared to stop writing just because I have to put the veil back on. I have to go back to being something that is not really all that bad but is what deep down inside I don’t want. Well we all know that I cant do this forever. So on that note.

LATER BITCHES

I want....

2005-06-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

When I listen to music sometimes, or when I see something wonderful in my life be it a sunset, a snow capped mountain, an endless sea of translucent blue water. I get a glimpse of the person that I am that I never was. Inside of me is someone that WANTS to FEEL! Not this person I am now that wastes his life away in front of a computer monitor. That is my distraction from feeling. My wife cannot understand this. Without the pain there is no joy. Without the good there is no bad. Is it so wrong to crave this?

She makes me FEEL DAMMIT!

Questions. Too many and very little answers.

2005-06-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

A few questions came to mind while watching TV.

1. Why am I doing this. Sure I wrote about two pages on it but is that the real reason?

2. How do I find the truth? Is there a truth to be found here?

3. Am I being delusional? There cannot possibly be a true soul mate in this world. It has to be a myth.

4. Why her?

5. Why is it so complicated?

6. Will this just lead to further frustration in my life?

7. Am I just making this out to be more than it is in hopes of finding happiness?

8. Why her? (yeah I know I asked that already)

9. Should I be doing this to myself?

10. I have to know if she even comes close to feeling the same curiosity that I am about our relationship. If its not there then I have to let it all go. So how would I, if I have to, let it go?

A good question she asked me.

2005-06-12T14:16:00.000-07:00

A good question she asked me.

What do I wish to gain from going back down this road with her? More simply put, ”What do I want?” A simple question with not so simple an answer. I will try as best I can now but this answer will most defiantly mature and grow into something else at a later date.

Most of my life I have been what I call a “pleas’er”. My shrink had a psychological term for it. Co-dependency!

co-de·pen·dent or co·de·pen·dent
adj.
1. Mutually dependent.
2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.

Now I never latched onto a drug addict but I found that there are minor forms of self-destructive behaviors. My problem was that I felt a need to help those that needed help. I was the guy that wanted to save women from their own faults. I wanted to be the support structure for them in ways that, in reality, I could never be. Which in turn left me with little of myself to take care of.

I have identified this problem with me and have spent the last year working on that. In some ways I had to learn to be more “selfish” (which is too negative a word). It comes down to really deciding what it is that I want and then work on getting it.

So how does this help answer the question of “What do I want?” Well, it took me this last year to figure out what I wanted. See the whole codependent thing means that you really don’t have your own identity. Your identity is defined by whomever you are with. You mold your life around their wants and needs. I literally had no clue how to answer the simple question of “What do you really want out of life John?” when my shrink threw it at me.

To say I want HER is too vague and general. It is quite impossible for me to say that she is what I want right now. I mean want there in the more encompassing totality of the word. Not the general use of “want”. Generally I do want her but I am meaning want in the sense that she is my everything and all that stuff.

Really what I want is for her to be everything I believe she is. That sounds off a bit but I will explain. This is not some deity of a woman I have produced in my head here. I am pretty grounded in reality no matter how aloof I come across as. For her to be everything I believe her to be is not really that tall an order. For the most part she is already that. The real trick is finding out if she is something that most never speak of nor do they ever hope to achieve it in this life.

Is she my soul mate?

THAT is the kicker. Soul mates are really borderline fantasy. I sometimes wonder if they even exist. I can say this with up most certainty. I have NEVER and I mean NEVER even considered this of a woman before in my life. To me a soul mate is stuff of fables. This is not something that could possibly be real. Yet there is this tickle in the back of my mind. This ever so small call of hope that has never breached my psyche.

For me, hope is a four letter word. It is the entrance to a road that leads nowhere but to disappointment. Optimistic is a punch line of a bad joke as far as I am concerned. Not the everyday optimism like “Today is going to be a good day.” This is the kind of optimism that terrifies me to my core. The kind of optimism that you don’t dare take on for knowing that it will lead to disappointment of epic proportions. The hope of being…………………………….. happy.

Happy, what in the FUCK is that? I don’t have any idea. I have read about it in books. I can wrap my mind around the meaning but I cannot apply the concept to flesh and bone. I cannot make it real for me.

Does this mean that I know that she is this person? Not at all. It merely means…….. MAYBE!

Maybe? What the FUCK???? How do I risk my life as I know it for MAYBE?

MAYBE has been the downfall of many persons. Maybe can get you in lots and lots of trouble. In this case maybe can destroy my life as I know it. So to me the next questions to ask myself is this. “John, do you really want a shot at being happy, truly happy? Do you really want to take the chance of being wrong?”

The reality of my situation is very clear to me. She is just a woman. I am just a man. To assign such a thing like this to any person is too great a thing to put on anyone. It is far too huge to expect this of anyone. Is she my soul mate? I don’t know. Statistically, I would have to say, no she is not. Come on, what are the ACTUALL CHANCES that she is my soul mate? To ignore my intuition on this would be both a relief and a curse.

For me though, inaction would BE A FUCKING CRIME. Do I take a small risk now in the hopes to answer this MAYBE?

What if I am wrong? This is not such a stretch here. What if she does not even come close to thinking the same as I do? In all likelihood she probably just wants a good friend. Someone to trust and talk to. Someone to bitch to about her crappy day or someone to celebrate with when victory is hers. You know, I might have this “feeling” about her maybe being my soul mate but she might read this and move to Texas in an effort to avoid ever seeing me again.

So far with her I have played my cards wide open. I think I will stick to this practice.

If she is agreeable to it, I will propose this. **warning. Incoming metaphor!**

(think boat, and steps involved in building said boat)
1. lets build it
2. lets see if it will float
3. lets see if the thing will go anywhere
4. if it does seem to go somewhere then lets take it out to sea and see what it will really do
5. test the limits of its very being
6. plot a course to the second star to the left and head on till morning
7. keep on sailing till she wont go anymore

So what do I want from this? I want to see if we can build us a boat. What kind of boat? How will this boat work? Is it going to be a dingy or a yacht? These are the questions only time will be able to answer.

Due to my circumstances this is defiantly not going to be easy in any way. I don’t think my wife wants me building any boats with ANYONE other than her.

I do not want to wake up one day and find out that I missed the opportunity of a millennia. That I missed out on the most special and wonderful thing that walked into my life. Even if we find that our boat is only made for a couple “friends” to go ride around in the bay together then at least I will KNOW. She is dear to me no matter what happens.

I would hate to miss out on the possibility. Will this all go as planned? NO! It never does. Is this one of those great crossroads of ones life?

MAYBE!

Conversation

2005-06-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

After looking at my last post a few times I realized that it does come across as a little bit, hummm how do I say…..
It sounds like I am an advocate for multiple partner relationships. Well in a dream world maybe, but in this one, defiantly not. No I do believe that monogamous relationships are a good thing. Sometimes though, we find that things are not quite what we want them to be. They may still be fine but just not quite where we wanted them to be. Which leads me into my next topic.

Conversation

I am a bit off when it comes to what I like to talk about. I can really have a conversation with anyone, in just about any profession. I enjoy the obscure. One thing that I truly abhor is gossip. Gossip to me is; “Hey Joe did you know that such and such is fucking this person?” That’s about all there is to my gossip conversations. They are boring and uninteresting to me. Here is the catch. My wife and her mother CONSTANTLY converse about others. It is like gossip central at that pool and when summer is in full swing the women multiply into a gossip whirlwind. There can, at times, be twenty of them there and all they do is gossip. No one talks about any good movies they saw or about an interesting fact that they read about in a magazine. That would interest me. That would interest me a lot.

From time to time I try to have what I would consider a meaningful (to me anyway) conversation with my wife. I will talk about an interesting theory that a movie or story presented. Guys….. Its like talking to the wall. There is no feedback, no insight from her, no input. Just try and talk to my wife about Stephen Hawking book that applies Star Trek fictional technology to the real world we live in. HA! You want to see a blank stare, the kind of stare you get from a cow out to pasture where you know there is NOTHING going on in there when you look in its eyes. Yeah that is what I live with. Art. I am not an art fiend by any means but I can look at something and tell you how I feel when I look at it. I can tell you why it makes me feel that way. After some time to contemplate and reflect I may even glean some wisdom from these things. I keep these things to myself though. To tell my wife these things would make me feel a fool. She would just kind of look at me and say “ummmm yeah. OK! That makes sense.” (as she rolled her eyes) I have been working on a book as of late. I have no delusions that I will get this thing published but I am doing it. I have never told my wife about it. I know why too. She will have ZERO interest in it. She will just go “That’s nice” and be done with the topic. So in some ways I can get a feeling of loneliness.

My wife has many many many redeeming qualities. Conversation is NOT one of them. I feel a need to have my gray matter tickled from time to time. I enjoy philosophy. Not so much studying others philosophies but developing my own. I enjoy talking about BIG things. Look up at the stars and tell me where it ends? If you keep cutting something in half, when do you run out of halves? Politics, well they just frustrate me so when I go down that road I generally get very frustrated and angry. I have been trying to find one particular answer that still manages to elude me but sometimes I feel like one day I might just figure it out. Why am I here? I can talk about that forever. Theories abound in that department. They are mostly crap but I think in every crap answer, if you dig in there deep enough, you will find a kernel of the truth. Well sometimes you can.

So this woman I am trying to redevelop a relationship with can defiantly talk. In fact its what she does best. She may have other talents but at this point in my relationship with her he mind in by far the most amazing talent I have yet to come across in my life. It does not hurt that I find her soooooo incredibly beautiful. But I think what makes her so is her mind. Nah, who am I kidding? She is hot, dam hot. So I suppose it’s not JUST her mind. =)

Just a thought

2005-06-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

Just a thought.

Which is the lesser of two evils? I was once told that if one is married it is a greater “crime against the marriage” to have true feelings for another than to actually have physical relations with another. For a long time I believed this to be true.

I am finding that in all actuality that this, in my new perspective, is not the divine wisdom it once was. This is based on the belief that you cannot control whom you may or may not have feelings for. It seems to me that it really is more of a matter of……

Time management (possibly not the best descriptor but it’s the best I can do right now)

What is it that you invest your time in? To me you invest your time in the most beneficial of things to you and your life’s needs. I am convinced that not only can you “love” more than one person, but that love can be as powerful a thing towards both individuals. I also submit that love is to vague a word to describe a feeling that you have. It is my wish that we develop more words to describe “love”. Something akin to the old adage that Eskimos have a hundred different words used to describe snow.

You see, I do love the one I married, the one person whom I have made the commitment to. I stood at the altar and made a promise. The one person who returns my love and has been there for me when all others have not.

Most would say off the cuff. “So how can you love another?”. To that question I say “Easy! I know this other person. They represent something that I care a great deal about and they make me feel all fuzzy inside.” This is not to say that I stopped loving my wife. Just because of the fact that I managed to develop feelings for another does not void out the already established relationship I have with my wife. This is again where we fall into time management.

My time is spent on my wife. She is the one that shares my life with me. She is the one that puts up with my flaws (which are many). She is the one that has proven to me that my time is well spent on her.

So does this mean that I would not want to share my time with this other? No, I don’t think it means that at all. In fact it’s just the opposite. I find that I crave time with this other. Yet, I still feel no less towards my wife.

So why does this make me the asshole?

Well that is easy. Society. Plain and simple. Society has rules. I dare to say that roughly 99.9 % of those rules are good and necessary for a society to be healthy. So my guilt for these feelings are defiantly the result of society and the hold it has on my life.

The flip side is this: So what if the shoe was on the other foot. Would I be so non-judgmental if it were my wife feeling for another. The honest answer is….. probably not. Society once again rears its ugly head. This makes me a hypocrite for sure. If I were able to reach some Zen state of understanding it most defiantly would not effect me but for some reason I have not reached this state of ultimate contemplation and understanding.

I beat myself up pretty good about this. I am in love with two women. I would do anything for either of them. Of course as it stands right now the wife is holding all the cards but if the other knew truly how I felt then she could defiantly take advantage of this. Right now I feel like I would cave in and do her bidding no questions asked. She in all likelihood does not share my feelings but it does bring up all these wonderful thoughts. I really just wanted to write them down as I see them now so that I can delve into these thoughts some more.

Yes I am back, for what its worth.

2005-06-10T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ok I am back. Lets try this again. I blame Dudesucker. Why should he have all the fun? =)